JRRZZ Blog

Hi there. It’s been a while. I’ve been doing homework and other stuff I don’t really want to remember. Time went by. A lot of it. Time doesn’t have wings they say. Hmm, life seems to become a drag. It shouldn’t. I mean, I’m pretty young and I should go out to see the world, have fun, have a laugh and meet new people. The weird thing is during the drag through time I don’t really feel like doing all those things. It’s almost some kind of compulsive laziness. I don’t know. It’s haunting me for several weeks now. Actually, now I think about it, a lot longer. I don’t really have anything to tell people when I meet them. I can’t really socialize. I do have a lot inside of me. Thoughts, feelings, emotions and theories. Things I wouldn’t even tell my best friends, my parents, relatives or anyone I know. But still, there’s this feeling that it should go out. I have to tell someone. But who would understand? Who would understand the things that are going on inside? I’m not your average bloke. I’m me, and I come with a lot of problems. I haven’t met anyone capable of understanding the real me. All my friends and relatives just know the outer shell. The shell I’ve hardened for the past 18 years. It’s bulletproof. No light shines in, no light comes out. It’s really hard to write this down. While I’m writing this I’m actually exploring my building blocks. To see what I’m made of. I’m missing blocks. I don’t know if I just forgot to take them with me on my journey or that they are there but insignificantly small.

Some time ago, a week or so. It was late. 7pm, 8pm I don’t remember. I was waiting for my bus home. It finally arrived. I took a seat. A few seconds later a girl took a seat in front of me. If you know how I look at night that in fact was a miracle on it self. There was room enough on the bus. Why would she take that seat? Oh well, I didn’t mind. I just started to do what I usually do when I’m on the bus home. Staring at the scenery. But after a minute or so I noticed a smile or two on her face. What? A nice girl in front of me smiling at me? That’s not normal. It did happen before, but not that often. The thing that worries me though is the fact my reaction is equal to nothing or even less. I could almost see me there, sitting in my seat looking out of the blurry window totally not noticing her. But I did, I did notice her. But I became so cold. Something was missing. Nothing happened. A gaping hole. I should give her a smile in return, or just eye contact, I don’t know. I know the rules, but somehow the trigger for actually using them wasn’t there. There was just this gaping hole. The most important building blocks, the essence of human life, were missing or insignificantly small. No light shines in, no light comes out.